benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
