similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
