I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
