Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
