I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
