Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
