i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
