BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
