What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
