glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
