Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
