i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
