Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
