Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
