He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
