I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
