I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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