he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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