I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
