We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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