WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
