Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
