He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
