What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
