the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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