I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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