I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
