you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
