I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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