I wish I could punch you in the face.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
