tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
