hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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