I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
