God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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