hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
