I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
