I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
They have beer where we have blood.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
