Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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