Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
