The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
