i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
