at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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