Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
