My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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