I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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