I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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