My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Found your dick twin last night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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