If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
