I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
