so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
